Deck The Halls
by NotSorry
Summary: A Christmas gift to everyone out there in the SP fandom. With Valduggery. Enjoy.


**It's Christmas morning and I'm waiting for my family to arrive. Well, my dad's side of the family, anyway. There's a huge turkey cooking in the **_**barbeque-but-more-than-barbeque**_** and raspberry mousse for dessert. It's about 24 degrees Celsius and raining on and off, which is pretty good for Australia. I've already opened most of my gifts and was not disappointed, with a bag I've wanted for months and, surprisingly, one book. And fifty dollars and a box of chocolates. And those were all from just my dad, too, and I still have more to come. **

**I decided to give you all a Christmas gift, so I started writing this yesterday, and just finished it this morning. I would like to thank you all for a wonderful year of lovely reviews and brilliant stories I really enjoyed reading. I hope you all have a great Christmas with lots of presents :D**

**This hasn't been proof-read, so it might be a little bad, but the best I could do. Enjoy XD**

Valkyrie was awoken on Christmas morning by a thin, skeletal hand wrapping around her waist and a velvet voice whispering in her ear. "Merry Christmas, beautiful." Skulduggery said softly, stroking her hair in a rare romantic gesture. "Time to open presents."

Valkyrie smiled, eyes still closed, and savoured the feeling of her lovers (fake) lips on her neck. "Merry Christmas to you, too." she said, but didn't move. Valkyrie was a tad unwilling to leave the warmth of her bed.

"Uh, Valkyrie, now is the part where you kiss me passionately, go downstairs, gasp in fake delighted when Tanith, Ghastly and Fletcher chorus 'Merry Christmas' and hug them all, returning the greeting. Then you'll sit down under the tree and open your gifts alone, because Fletcher would have convinced everyone to not wait for you, including me, and laugh and smile and make fake exclamations of joy when you see the badly chosen gifts, minus mine, of course. Then you'll excuse yourself to the kitchen, where you will down exactly three and a half cups of coffee.

Feeling sufficiently awake, you'll go back into the living room where Ghastly and Fletcher will be singing carols in loud, out of tune voices and you'll smile at them, then retreat back into the kitchen where you and Tanith will start on lunch, both mumbling about the fact that us men are letting you do all the work, but you secretly like cooking and remind each other that, hey, us men are useless in anything but bed and fights. A few hours later, when you and Tanith have finished, we'll start lunch and Ghastly and Fletcher will get tipsy.

You'll make a speech, and contemplate telling them about our scandalous affair, then decide against it. Later that night, when they have gone home, you'll sigh, sit down on the couch and mutter 'never again' under your voice, but you'll be smiling inside. You'll look up at me, and we'll go upstairs and have what you like to call 'Christmas sex' and when we're finished, you'll kiss me passionately again. You'll go to sleep, and tomorrow you'll refuse to get up before midday, then I'll remind you you're spending the afternoon with your parents and the result will be highly entertaining."

The dark haired girl stared at him. "You know me so well."

Skulduggery shrugged. "It's a part of the job description."

_deckthehallswithboughsofholly_

"Merry Christmas!" chorused Tanith, Ghastly and Fletcher as Valkyrie trotted sleepily down the stairs or Gordon's mansion. Valkyrie discreetly rolled her eyes, and then her face lit up with fake surprise and delight. "Oh, you guys! I didn't know you'd be here today! Merry Christmas!"

She hugged them all in turn and smiled, her eyes travelling to the tree, under which remained a few packages and lots of ripped wrapping paper. "You guys opened yours without me." Valkyrie smiled at Fletcher, who did his best to look sheepish, but was smiling. She put on the motherly facade and mock-scolded the older boy.

Finally sitting down under the tree, Valkyrie got to work on unwrapping while her friends looked on eagerly ("Oh, Tanith, a dictionary! Oh yes, I love it- you know how much I like the written word! Hair gel, Fletcher, you shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't. Oh, I didn't say anything, you must have misheard. Oh, Ghastly, a hat! And it matched Skulduggery's! Skul, weren't we talking about how fun it would be to be the crazy hat detectives just the other day? And, last but not least, Skul's -_oh thank you god-_ What's this...? A... set of keys... What? Window? What could I possibly want outsi- HOLY SHIT YOU BOUGHT ME A CAR!")

When she had finally calmed down, Valkyrie excuse herself to the kitchen and poured herself a coffee, sighing in contentment as the warm liquid flowed down her throat. "At last." she whispered, cradling the cup like a newborn baby. "Please don't even leave me."

_fralalalalalalalala_

"JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE ALL THE WAY...!" Valkyrie exhaled in annoyance as she walked back into the living room to see Fletcher and Ghastly have some sort of carol-off in the middle of the living room. Valkyrie gave them an over-enthusiastic smile and two thumbs up then gestured for Tanith to follow her into the kitchen. Half an hour later the two were happily stuffing various animal carcasses (it may seem extreme for so few guests, but Valkyrie didn't like cooking after work and lived off leftovers) and chopping up everything that came into chopping distance of their knives. "Why aren't the men helping us?" demanded Tanith, waving her knife at the door. "Do they expect us to do all the work because we're women?"

"I hear you," sighed Valkyrie over a potato. "We should burn their food and cook a second batch for ourselves."

"Uh huh. Thank god Skulduggery doesn't eat."

"Amen to that."

There was a pause in which Tanith stuck her hand up the rear end of a dead chicken. "But they'd probably ruin the food anyway."

Valkyrie grinned. "I've yet to meet a man who can cook properly. Even Skul isn't the best." She beheaded a carrot.

The girls worked in silence for a while before Tanith, smiling mischievously, flicked a pea at her friend to gain her attention. "The men are good for two things though..."

She trailed off suggestively and together the girls laughed. "Sex and fights!" Fletcher, who had walked in at that moment for a drink, frowned and back away slowly at the sight of the two girls in hysterics.

_tistheseasontobejolly_

"Okay, everyone, help yourself." Valkyrie was really hoping to say grace or something, because the fighting over food was one thing that actually scared her at Christmas. She was pretty sure Fletcher actually growled when she took a potato she wanted, and even Tanith had at least two bones sticking out of her mouth.

"Skul," she whispered, watching the first signs of violence break out. "How is this possible between just three people?"

"I don't know." he replied in a dazed tone. "It's slightly mesmerising."

"Time for the speech?"

"Time for the speech."

"Ahem." Valkyrie stood up for her place at the head of the table, trying to gain their attention. "AHEM!" Still no reaction. She sighed, put on hands on her hips and at the top of her voice, screamed, "FACELESS ONES!"

Silence.

Beautiful silence.

"Okay guys. First, I'd like to say Merry Christmas." The whoops are cheers were loud enough for thirty, not three people.

"And thank you all for being here, to celebrate the holidays, and eat all of my food. Stop laughing Fletcher; I'm actually a little pissed off about that. Anyway, it's great to be here with you guys, having a great time and taking a break from all of that 'end-of-the-world' crap. And though I might be upset that you eat all my food, and break all of my valuables, it's just nice to know that you care, and that I still have people on my side. And..." Valkyrie's gaze travelled briefly to Skulduggery, who tilted his head in a very unhelpful way, and sighed. "That's all."

They cheered again.

_fralalalalalalalala_

"I..." Fletcher yawned, and looked over at Tanith. "Can you give me a ride?" The blonde nodded a bit and linked her arm with Ghastly's. Sometime in the night they had decided to become a couple and make out on the couch. "Yeah. We'd best being going, come on, Ghastly."

The boxer groaned. "Why does Fletcher have to come? I wanted to have sex in the van!"

Valkyrie covered her mouth to stop laughing as Tanith whispered things in Ghastly's ear that made his eyes go wide.

"Okay, you guys, get out of here. Skul's staying the night because it's horrible to be alone on Christmas night." Tanith looked at the two standing in the doorway to the kitchen and narrowed her eyes like she was trying to work something out. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow when their eyes met and Tanith shrugged, walking over to give her friend a hug. "Something's up, Val, but I'm not quite sure what it is yet. I'm going to work it out, though." she whispered. Valkyrie grinned.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Tan."

_donwenowourgayapparel_

"Bye! Merry Christmas!"  
Valkyrie called as her friends walked to the van, waving vaguely back. She closed the door and turned to Skulduggery, who was standing watching her closely. She looked back for a moment before collapsing onto the couch, with a sighed _"Never again."_

She looked up at Skulduggery, who was sitting elegantly on the arm of the chair. "What were you saying earlier about Christmas sex?"

With his facade on, Skulduggery grinned and leaned down to kiss her. "How about I show you?" he said, gathering her up in his arms bridal style, about to carry her up the stairs. But there was a high pitched, slightly choked squeak from the front door and Tanith was standing there, eyes wide as she watched them. "I, uh, forgot my keys."

Skulduggery sighed, setting down his lover, who was very pale all of a sudden.

"Crap."

_fralalalalalalalala_

**Merry Christmas, my lovelies. Have a great holiday. **

**And I don't own the Skulduggery Pleasant books. Obviously. **


End file.
